birdlegs

First of all, I feel fortunate to have caught the fact that I do have Uterine cancer just in time.  It doesn’t have any real symptoms.  The typical PAP doesn’t screen for uterine cancer.  They are different.

I would say at the beginning of this year I had started to feel fatigued and was gaining weight.  My stomach especially started to stick out a lot.  I thought I was just having weight problems that I couldn’t seem to get under control.

My situation is unique, but I do want to stress to everyone here to be checked by a doctor periodically. ..even if you think it is for something minor.

I haven’t really been on here in nearly 2 months. But I had only 2 rounds of chemo and I’m going to surgery in the next 2 1/2 weeks.  Apparently I had a “mixed reaction” to the chemo. Some tumors have shrunk, but the mass in my uterus has not.  The mass in my stomach is dying, but has liquid accumulating.  I am currently on a very strong pain medication.  The mass in the uterus is pushing outward, so the pain radiates through my legs, pelvic bones, etc.  I am sleeping a lot more right now.

I am no longer working and can pretty much kiss my job good-bye.  Legally an employer does not have to hold your job position.  They did say they will try to place me, but we will see.  Actually I’m glad to not be working.  I really don’t feel like dealing with the added stress in my current condition.

I know not to worry about my weight. I am concerned that it will go down too fast.  I’m down almost 15 lbs.  This is NOT the way I wanted to lose it!  I have a life-threatening illness of cancer, and at this point it is more about nutrition and trying to keep the calories down.  I am eating about 6 small meals a day.  I even eat in the middle of the night on occasion. I’m listening to my body right now.  With the current heat wave we have been experiencing, I’m gulping down a ton of water.

Thank you everyone for your support!  The kindness of even strangers keeps my motivation to get through this!

So, here I am in tears today after being called a “food addict.” - All because after an hour and a half of waiting around to have dinner w/ family.  I couldn’t wait.  I hadn’t eaten since noon.  I’m having to cut back because I am fed up w/ myself.  Today I was making an attempt to cut back on some of the calories I am used to consuming.  No, I am not starving myself.  However,  after an on-set of a very bad headache and feeling like throwing up this afternoon, what was I supposed to do?  Yeah, usually I can deal with a little hunger usually, but today just really sucked!  In the past when the 4 pm munchies hit, I would eat almost anything.  I would then later eat with the family in the past later on.  Gee, you figure there would be a little understanding. Then, today, after holding out until nearly 6:30 pm I just couldn’t wait anymore.  Sorry to say, my headache was just that bad.  Family is mad that I didn’t wait to eat w/ ‘em.   I don’t sit around eating bags of potato chips/ candy.  I just get so sick of having to wait until up to 8 pm for family.  Maybe I am being “selfish” as I have been accused, but if I don’t take control of this myself in the best way I can, how am I supposed to be able to cut back?  Old habits die hard.  I’m so tired of being fat.  They may feel I am being selfish, but I feel unsupported right now.

God my head hurts right now!

I’m sure some of you have a mom or sister that makes comments that are real zingers in your quest for better health/body image.  I had such a thing happen today.  I went out w/ my mom, sister-in-law and niece.  While mom was helping the neice get ready for a glamour photo shoot, my sister-in law and I went shopping.  We stopped in at Frederick’s of Hollywood lingerie shop.  I thought that just because I’m overweight doesn’t mean I shouldn’t wear the stuff.  Besides this store caters more for the curvy types anyway.  I found a beautiful sapphire colored bustier.  I can actually wear it as outer wear paired with some jeans!  It fits nicely and I don’t look like a stuffed sausage in it!

Fast-forward to when mom drove just the two of us back to her place….when we got into the car I showed her the bustier and the first thing out of her mouth was, “It fits?!!” and she held it up to herself and said, “I can’t fit into it, so how can you?”  She has always had a poor body image ever since I could remember.  I can remember her crying in dressing rooms when I was a kid because something didn’t fit.  I get so sick of these zingers coming from her.  My weight has fluctuated over the years w/in a 50 lb range.  It doesn’t matter how big/small I get, the woman projects her poor self-image onto me.  I don’t understand the need to tear me down.  It is so weird that although I am over 40 she still has this need to “preen” me!  Fix my hair, criticize my clothes.  What is up with the weird behavior?  It took me a long time to develop my own sense of self. I really don’t get why she sees me as an extension of herself that she needs to compare herself to….

Overweight, criticized or not, she is who she is I suppose.  I have always had a lot of confidence to wear a bold look even if I don’t look like a super-model.  Projecting confidence goes a long way when pulling a look off!

Any comments?

When and why did food become such a focus in my life? I haven’t even bothered to step on the scale this past week.  I went on a 2 day vacation and I know I gained a few lbs back.  It really wasn’t coming off in the first place.  Giving up too soon? Maybe. To be honest, there are a few situations in my life I would love to change. The foremost one on my mind is that I have not really been keeping company with friends very often.  In actuality I have not taken the time to cultivate friendships.  I am fed up with people not returning calls or following through with plans.  It seems too much to ask of people to set aside a few hours to do something.  As far as follow-through?  We are not talking about being unable to follow-through due to a sick parent/child. The best one I have heard is due to a sick cat - and the cat doesn’t even live in the residence.  One of the best phrases I have heard yet, “Don’t make someone your priority if they make you an option.”  The over-eating maybe my way of compensating for what seems to be missing.  I also happen to live in CA - it seems that if you don’t have a boob job and look perpetually 25 then the interest factor decreases even more.

Yeah,  I’m in a down slide on the roller-coaster right now.  I’ll probably get back up tomorrow and get back on track.

Yup, 4 pm is the hardest time of the day for me.  I usually pack a relatively low calorie/low fat snack for the hour.  I had a 1/2 day at work so I went shopping for hubby’s wedding anniversary gift at the mall.  I was really getting hungry especially because I stopped in a specialty foods store in the mall.  I was waiting for my purchase to be wrapped.  While I waited, there were samples of chocolate covered raspberries.  I have been here before and tried the chocolate covered blueberries.  I knew that once I popped one in my mouth it would be hard to stop.  I was caught off guard. I forgot to bring along my “emergency” South Beach 100 calorie chocolate raspberry bar in case of something like this happening.  I did partake of the raspberries though - but  I had only 3 of the raspberries.  I was so tempted to just buy a bag and gobble it down in less than a minute.  After the clerk finished wrapping my purchase, I left the store immediately.  Of course I went by the See’s Candy store and the Godiva chocolate store as I was trying to leave the mall.  Help! What am i supposed to do?  I immediately went into a boutique to try on a T-shirt that is a size I can squeeze into - but I do not look the way I want to in it yet.  - I did this to remind myself that giving into a moment of weakness would not be worth it.  When I try something on in the store I may not look as good as I want to now.  But I will stand in front of a mirror in something that I look O.K. in and think about how great I will really look and feel down the line.  After the store, I went home and had a Turkey burger.  The burger is much more filling than a bunch of empty calories of chocolate.  I always imagine what it would feel like to slip into a size 6 pair of jeans comfortably….Imagine it…become it….

Yes, I actually had the willpower to do that this weekend.  I again went out to dinner w/ hubby this evening at a very nice restaurant.  What is interesting is that my change in eating habits is starting to influence his.  He grew up vegetarian, but still manages to over-indulge sometimes in pasta and sweets.  He really curbed it this evening.  We went to a steak & seafood place.  However, instead of oversized dinner portions, we had more along the lines of modest lunch sized instead.  The food was high calorie wise, but I had much smaller portions. I walked away w/ out feeling bloated.

I had 1 cup of beer-cheese soup (high in calories), 1 piece of bread, a lite salad w/ oil & vinegar, split 1/2 an order of steamed veggies. The killer part of eating out has always been dessert.  I have a hard time denying myself.  We ordered chocolate covered strawberries with ice-cream.  It wasn’t massive in volume, but still, I had only 1 strawberry.  Hubby has really stepped up in encouraging me to continue with my weight loss efforts.  If I don’t feel like exercising he will gently encourage me.  That is usually all it takes to start back up on the exercise bike.

We are going away for our first year wedding anniversary to a bed & breakfast this coming weekend.  I had expressed my concern over possibly gaining weight while there.  Hubby suggested that we eat 2 meals in one day vs three meals.  We will be eating in restaurants and will likely over-indulge a bit.  We did the same thing when we went on our honey-moon.  I don’t like the idea of being away from my exericse bike for too long!  I like to off-set some of the extra calories I consume by riding the bike.  We go away Thursday through Saturday. I have really needed this vacation for awhile!

Met with the family today at an Italian restaurant.  I tried to plan ahead as much as possible for my WW points on possible items.  When I looked up the choices for italian in my food points guide book - GEEZ! Just one dish alone could be up to 1/2 or more of my daily point values.  It turns out the restaurant still had their lunch menu available.  I ended up having 1 cup of ministrone soup, a small salad, 1/2 salmon panini sandwich, split a very small strawberry chocolate cake w/ hubby.  Ordevours were ordered for everyone.  I had only 1 piece of capprici. The ordevours would have just killed everything for me if I partook of more.  I let the guys eat most of those.  For breakfast this a.m. I had a South Beach meal bar.  I knew the late lunch was going to be a lot of calories.  After lunch I didn’t have that sick feeling you get after a too big of a meal.  Light dinner tonight. Rode bike for an hour.

As far as my life.  Very stable.  Yeah, I am overweight.  So what?  Does that mean I stop living it?  I do have to say that sometimes making a few changes in your life can sometimes be hard at first, but in the end, it is exhilerating.  The last time I can remember that was when I started working for the airlines as a flight attendant - after working for a company that was sucking the life out of me. Watching the scale go up and barely inching down can suck the life out of you the same way.  I’m trying to find other ways other than the scale that are an indicator of weight loss. For instance, so far I’m down a few pounds, but my waist is shrinking and my “fat” jeans are loose.  It seems like I’ve actually lost more than just a few lbs.  When the scale isn’t moving, the clothes fitting more loosely are an indicator that you are losing.

I started back on the Weight Watchers program 10 days ago. I’m re-learning to enjoy meals instead of gobbling it down in less than 5 minutes.  It is amazing to realize what large portion sizes I have been eating in relation to what my ideal weight/body size should be.  I have always had a problem with portion control.  I am also noticing that I tend to over-indulge. I now I carry the weight watchers food companion (lists food points values) around like a bible.   I thought it would be a pain to have to measure everything out, but I am finding it is the opposite.  By measuring everything  I am actually enjoying meal planning.

The first few days of being on weight watchers was difficult.  It took a little time to get used to the smaller portion sizes.  My stomach even made growling noises that people could hear across the room. My husband even mentioned my stomach was trying to have a conversation with him.

Today’s meal:

Breakfast: 2 small tangerines (1 pts), 1/2 cup shredded wheat cereal (1 pt), 1/2 cup non-fat milk (1 pt)

lunch: Spinach leaves (0 pts), 1/8 cup walnuts (2 pts); 1/2 cup strawberries (0.5 pt).  I made my own dressing by using 1 tsp olive oil (1 pt), and 2 tsp of red wine raspberry vinegar (0 pt).

Quesadilla - 1 oz part-skim low moisture mozzarella cheese (2 pts) 1 med flour tortilla (3 pts)

south beach chocolate raspberry bar (1 pt)

Snack: lite raspberry yogurt (2 pts)

Dinner: Turkey burger (4 pts), 1/2 oz cheese (0.5 pt), burger bun (2 pts), teriyaki sauce (0 pts); skinny cow ice-cream sandwich (2 pts)

I went over by a few points, but I have been riding the exercise bike about an hour a day.  I just didn’t have the motivation today. I have been trying to consume more 0 pt foods just so I can eat more.  Yeah, I still love food, but I’m trying to enjoy it more slowly in smaller portions.

I thought I could get through the weekend without indulging in a huge portion of something sweet.  Well I think I did more damage control through a little more exercise than usual and eating light through most of the day.  It was my 1 year wedding anniversary.  We went to the restaurant with the “steroid” portion sizes.  I was planning to split a reasonable sized sundae w/ hubby.  Well, the waiter came out with a huge piece of mud pie with a candle in it.  Plus the sundae was ordered.  Between both desserts - I pretty much ended up eating a whole one myself.

I really stepped up the exercise today.  I know I will be feeling it tomorrow.  I just can’t let myself slip into the dessert hell of before.  I plan to step up the exercise on the occasional days when I do eat something sweet - such as today. I don’t want to be a slave to the scale.  I am taking body measurements to see how the shrinkage is progressing. I don’t plan to step on the scale until the end of this week.  That is the hard part for me; not obsessing over the scale so much.  I”ll take into consideration of success by how my clothes fit and by the measuring tape.

I can honestly say that I survived and was not willing to go down without a fight.